My mum just joked that she thinks my arse has gotten bigger. As I’ve been thinking that myself it’s kind of hard believing it was just a joke.

Besides, it’s not even fucking funny even if it was.

I can be such a shitty friend.

I’ve been so wrapped up with all the work in college and recovery that I had completely forgotten my friend’s birthday on the 3rd of November so I didn’t go on MSN and congratulate her. I just remembered it now because she mentioned it.

Had lunch for the first time with some other people from my college today when we visited an oil refinery. It was a bit of a reality-check and eye-opener one could say.

After taking what I thought was at the very least a normal amount, if not a little much, I couldn’t help thinking everyone would think I was being greedy etc when they came back in.

Checking everyone’s plates when we were in the conference room again I realised I had taken least food of all apart from one person that had taken a little less as they were having lunch at a restaurant right afterwards.

I think I’ll have to work a bit on what I think is a lot of food & what actually is. Also work at ignoring that voice, as it is so clearly incorrect.

Was just going to quickly check twitter for any updates.

What am I greeted with?
Someone having tweeted the kcal content of a pizza right after I’ve eaten just that.
Hay there triggers lurking around every corner. Ugh.

I hate having bad days.

I hate this in general. I know it’ll be worth it in the end though. It just sucks really bad sometimes.

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During my last class today I remembered how irritated, withdrawn and tired I used to be in college, and how many mistakes I made during classes just because I couldn’t focus because I was so hungry or hung-over.

And realised how alert I was and how easy it was to concentrate because I’d eaten and stayed off the alcohol, and how easy it was to answer questions and talk to the other people in my class since my throat wasn’t too dry to talk properly. Kind of made me realise that even though I want to give up sometimes and it’s fucking hard, it’s definitely worth it.

Still pretty bloody tired though. But that’s the work of going to be too late and getting up early haha.

Random post, but it’s so I can look back and remind myself why I’m trying to recover when it all turns a bit shite.

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I had an amazing, awesome day today.
I had fear foods, picked where to eat lunch (which I never do), and did not drink.

Not the inevitable guilt or the genius move of locking the door from the inside when we were outside managed to ruin the day.

Asked my mum if she could come up with any good qualities to convince a university I was able to do the course I’m applying for to put in a personal statement for uni.

Her answer?
You don’t have any friends.

Gee, thanks for rubbing it in mum.

Sorry it’s not very positive or interesting, but it just upset me so I felt the need to get it off my chest.

Starting college again tomorrow and I’m fucking terrified tbh.

I’m certain that it will lead to a relapse sooner or later. I just that I know I won’t be able to bring myself to eat lunch there, and that’s way triggering. I really can’t handle all of that shit on top of everything I have to do in college this term if I want to get into one of the universities I want to though.

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03 Sep 11 at 2 am

(Source: pentha, via cut3core)

tags: personal